Goodluck, delegates! Nigerian cabinet faces sea of terror and corruption

 

By Jess Pevner

Goodluck Jonathan’s Cabinet has faced a host of hectic crises over the past two days. Pressing issues include terror acts of Boko Haram and internal corruption.

Going into the conference, Goodluck Jonathan’s Cabinet had three topics of urgency: human rights, anti-corruption, and Boko Haram. The cabinet has worked to intertwine these various fields in multi-perspective directives. Minister of Police Affairs Alhaji Adamu Waziri describes this tendency: “Mostly we don’t stick to one topic, we more so react to the crises thrown at us.”

One particularly interesting directive that Jonathan’s Cabinet passed was in response to a human rights crisis. On Friday, a Nigerian government official reported the arrest of a Shell gasoline employee member for engaging in homosexual activity. After this incident, Shell threatened to remove its business from Nigeria. Upon hearing this story outlining blatant governmental homophobia, the Cabinet quickly passed a reparative directive to protect civil rights of homosexual Nigerians that also addressed entailed governmental corruption and protected the Nigerian economy.

The cabinet’s interdisciplinary approach can also be seen in its response to their midnight crisis. The crisis can only be described as ludicrous: Boko Haram committed a massive act of biological terrorism. As Minister of Commerce and Industry Jubril Martins-Kuye states, Boko Haram obtained an “unknown chemical weapon and dispersed it in Southern Nigeria where the majority of the population is Christian.” This crisis reveals not only the issue with terror, but also the immense religious tensions divisive within Nigeria. By the end of their crisis, the cabinet designed a covert military operation succeeded in mitigating the suffering of victim Christian Nigerians. Another terror crisis the cabinet reacted to was the “lone wolf” car bombings that claimed 25 innocent lives. The military official presenting the crisis warned the creation of a “decentralized system of terror.”

After considering these two crises, Martins-Kuye summarizes: “We haven’t really been proactive [with terror]. We’ve certainly succumbed to the political matters.” The “political matters” Kuye references are the many scandals within the cabinet. Most notable is Chief Justice Adoke, who Kuye describes as an “complete degenerate.” Adoke has been confirmed to be running a prostitution ring and to be taking cocaine. Furthermore, delegates dealt with a crisis yesterday in which anonymous hackers published heinous allegations about Nigerian officials on the government website. These destructive rumors have sparked significant tensions. Waziri notes: “There’s been a profuse amount of blackmail, and people sending notes like, ‘Hey, if you don’t vote for this resolution, I will leak information to the public about this crime which I think you did.” Delegates have been investigating each other and attempting to discover the truth.

Despite these paramount internal tensions, the cabinet has done an impressive job with solving itscomplex crises.

 

Church Committee sent to secluded bunker

By Vlady Guttenberg

The Church Committee of 1976 has been secluded in an underground bunker by command of the President of the United States in response to the Machiavellian crisis. The “Machiavellian Eight” are a group of conspirators who have been plotting to undermine crucial events in American history. The committee, which was founded in response to the infamous Watergate scandal was ordered to uncover and confirm the names of the four remaining members of the group, at which point the delegates must decide amongst themselves the fate of the traitors. The press has been forbidden to investigate any further on this topic.

The Malala Fund: When you become an advocate for women, you become an advocate for the globe

   by Savannah Wallace

Women’s education transforms from a seemingly black and white issue into a kaleidoscope of colors with the Malala Fund. What originally appears to be an issue from a world far removed from the deceptive warmth and safety of the West becomes an affair that extends to the far corners of the Earth, an outreach akin to that of Malala herself.

The phenomenon of the Malala Fund did not just miraculously occur; it participates in a multitude of societal spheres in order to achieve its ambitious and incredible goal of each and every girl completing 12 years of safe, quality education. These spheres are highlighted by 3 impactful words: advocate, invest, and amplify.

Why is advocating for women’s education necessary? Muslim Chaplain for Georgetown University Imam Hendi shed some much-needed light on this query during NAIMUN LIV’s Global Issues Panel on Friday afternoon proclaiming with emotional gusto, “When I am an advocate for women’s issues, I become an advocate for …” He proceeded to name a variety of global issues in the realm of politics, economics, and what is perhaps most important, happiness. He spoke specifically on the overwhelming happiness that his wife has given him as a partner who intellectually challenges him. His enrapturing dialogue encapsulated just one of the numerous benefits that advocating for women’s education can provide for the world, even more human beings who challenge others to become better people.

Advocacy is already becoming more common as demonstrated by our world’s most esteemed diplomats in September 2015 at the United Nations, where they committed to the delivery of free quality education for each and every child by 2030. Founder of the Malala Fund, the incredible Malala Yousafzai declared, “Leaders of the 21^st Century must deliver on their promises to invest in the future and start investing in books, education and hope, rather than in weapons, war and conflicts.” Indeed they must, and all of humankind should act as advocates and let our leaders know that this is not a global issue to be pushed aside or forgotten. 130 million girls worldwide are currently out of school, according to Film Campaign Manager at Malala Fund Gretel Truong. This fact should bother everyone, whether it is constantly on your mind or buried underneath the laundry piles of thoughts in your brain. It should inspire everyone to write eloquent letters, make posters, contact the media, and whatever else is required in order to take this movement to even further heights than it has already climbed to.

Why is investing in women’s education necessary? The Malala Fund estimates that the funding vital in order to allow girls worldwide to obtain 12 years of free, quality education is at a current shortfall of around 39 billion USD per year. Though this amount may seem astronomical to many, the Malala Fund estimates that amount to be equivalent to only eights days of global military spending. World leaders treat the funding of women’s education as if it were not imperative, though it is mandatory.

The Malala fund asks – no, demands – that national governments reserve at least 20% of their spending budgets on education, that donor countries increase their aid by at least 0.7% of their Gross National Income, and that donor partners increase their funding to the Global Partnership for Education. After all, as Imam Hendi asked delegates of NAIMUN LIV yesterday, “If not now, when? If not this issue, which one?”

However, the Malala Fund is not just reminding global leaders of their unavoidable duty to fund women’s education, they are taking action themselves. They are making grants to reduce barriers for secondary schooling for girls in Pakistan. They are creating alternative learning programs for girls whose circumstances would normally prevent them from taking advantage of educational opportunities in Nigeria. One of their highest priorities is improving access to quality education for Syrian refugees. Additionally, they are investing in secondary education and information and communication technology training programs, so that women from socioeconomically disadvantageous backgrounds may be prepared for 21^st Century jobs. They did not ask what the right time would be to launch these programs, they just fearlessly started their noble endeavors.

Why is amplifying women’s voices for education necessary? Girls around the worldwide must be encouraged to voice their needs for education, for nothing is more powerful than hearing the needs of those in need from the needy themselves. Gretel Truong briefly mentioned this concept in yesterday’s panel when she spoke of the fact that few Syrian refugees are able to speak at panels and conferences dedicated to the funding of Syrian refugee aid programs.

In India, 4 million girls are out-of-school, the highest number of any nation across the globe. Indian girls face a number of barriers to receive a quality education including the possibility of early marriage, safety concerns, the fact that boys receive preference for education opportunities over girls and an increasing variety of other reasons. The Malala Fund hosted workshops speaking of Malala’s story, and inspired girls to launch their own campaign for proper education. As a result of their advocacy for themselves, more than a whopping 12,000 Indian villagers regularly discuss the importance of girl’s education and hundreds more Indian girls attend school.

Now is the time when we must take all cues that the Malala Fund has offered us and bring our own color to the multilateral issue of women’s education. Do not simply retweet an article, sign change.org petitions, or follow the Malala Fund on Instagram; advocate, invest, and amplify.

 

The Noteworthy Hardships of Note Passers

By Andrew Mohar

Pages serve as the blood vessels within their committees, facilitating the vital exchange of time-sensitive notes between delegates on opposing flanks of their political body.

At the beginning of most committee sessions, especially in larger committees, the dais will request several delegates to serve as volunteer pages. These volunteers carry the responsibility to efficiently exchange notes between delegates. So why do people choose to be pages?

A Congolese Red Cross delegate in the International Federation of the Red Cross and Red Crescent Societies (IFRCRCS) said she volunteered to be a page because she saw the other pages having difficulty with delivering notes. “I decided to become a page, because there were only two pages and we were in the middle of a heated discussion,” she said. “They were having trouble locating delegates because, but I knew how to go about delivering notes efficiently, so I said ‘Oh, maybe I can help out,’ so I stepped up.”

Serving as a page can be chaotic, stressful, and difficult as pages struggle to locate other delegates in committees with upwards of 300 members.

A page from the Democratic Republic of the Congo (DRC) in the Special, Political and Decolonization Committee (SPECPOL) elaborated on the hardships of note-passing. “It’s actually very difficult to be a page, because often delegates do not display their placards where pages can see, so it’s very difficult to find people,” she said. “On top of all that, you’re constantly running around, which can be exhausting.”

The Congolese Red Cross reinforced the stress associated with being a page. “Being a page can be extremely stressful, because you’re running around from place to place, and some people are like, ‘I need this note to be delivered right now,’ as if they have the option to request their note be delivered with priority mail,” she said. “I try to give each note equal weight in terms of priority.”

Although paging comes with its hardships, it can also be a rewarding, beneficial experience. A delegate in the Social, Humanitarian and Cultural Committee (SOCHUM) from the Cote d’Ivoire described how paging opened her eyes to the inner-workings of her committee. “Being a page shows me a lot of the interaction that is actually going on, like you don’t actually realize the extent to which people communicate with each other until you’re sending a million notes around.”

“My perspective of committee is kind of interesting,” said the Congolese Red Cross representative. “As opposed to sitting in your chair and taking notes on everything, it’s more casual, and you can observe the group dynamic in regards to what other people are doing.”

Observing pages in larger committee sessions and one will find pages conversing with one another and swapping notes. This collaboration between pages comes essential in increasing efficiency and improving the flow of information in the committee.

An Estonian page in SPECPOL explained the collaboration between pages. “We [pages] all help each other because nobody knows where all the countries are,” she said. “So, we ask other pages, ‘Hey, do you know where so-and-so country is,’ and if they do, we swap and deliver the other’s note.”

To make it easier for pages to exchange notes, the DRC delegate to SPECPOL said, “if people displayed their placards, we’d be able to deliver notes easier, and they’d be able to get a lot more done.”

Two Directors Find Themselves Guilty and on the Lam, the CIA has Found Nothing

     By Alec Studnik

Two Directors from the CIA: the Director of Military Affairs and the Executive
Director of the CIA escaped from the CIA headquarterʼs lockdown when they were
found guilty after being taken to the stand on charges of treason Saturday night.
The Executive Director of the CIA was the focus of the trial. One medical expert
testified for the defense saying that the Executive Director was depressed and not
taking his medicine and cannot be blamed for his actions. After this testimony, the
Director of HUMINT requested a point of clarification from the presiding judge.
The Director clarified to his fellow delegates that “in a trial, we are supposed to
convict people, not diagnose them.” Many Directors struggled with accepting the
excuse that the Executive Director was not in the correct state of mind. One
director stated that “my parents both struggled from depression and they both
managed to keep up with their medicine, how is the Executive Director any
different?” In her opening statement, the Director of Military Affairs explained how
she “always had the best interest of her people at heart.” She elaborated on this
by stating that by leaking classified information, she wasnʼt endangering military
personnel or the American people. In her closing regards she addressed her
superiors and subordinates. She declared that “[She loves] the people who serve
me and I love the people whom I serve.” After a committee vote they were both
found guilty. Though the specifics of the incidents that followed were unavailable to
the press, the fact that both treasonous directors have escaped was verified by
the head of the CIA Committee.

The DEA drives Uber’s affairs

By Conor McConville

Uber, a company failing to reclaim both profits and public support after an INTERPOL
investigation revealed ties between the terrorist group DEA and an Uber board member, has been rocked after an Uber driver set off a car bomb near the capital building on Saturday, killing a total of 15 people, including the driver, himself. The DEA is claiming full responsibility for the attack, and also claimed responsibility for murdering an Uber driver who refused to assist them. One board member commented on Uber’s current situation and said, “I don’t know how we can come back from this. This is incredibly damaging.”

These tragedies follow Uber’s decision to dismiss background checks, thereby ignoring who drives their cars. Regarding background checks, Board Member David Drummond said, “Time and time again I have called for more background checks, and time and time again we have decided that it’s better not to know who are driving our cars. I think we need to realize that we are getting to a point where it is dangerous for us to be running cars if we don’t know who’s behind the wheel.” However, disputes arose over who should perform these background checks, with some arguing that Uber do the background checks directly thereby taking responsibility for their drivers, while others suggested using state government to perform the background checks.

The DEA’s presence in India has also temporarily halted Uber operations, but after Indian labor Unions, with the support of Prime Minister Modi, began protesting Uber, the company’s board members collectively agreed to liquidate all capital and business assets for around 18 billion dollars.

With these 18 billion dollars, Uber plans to launch a security initiative in order to upgrade
security for drivers and cars involved with Uber. With these upgraded security requirements come strict background checks on all Uber drivers, installing dash cameras in cars, and using GPS to track cars driving for Uber. Peter Thiel of Palantir Technologies has offered to assist Uber with creating said GPS system for tracking these cars.
With the increase in problems arising from Uber drivers, there has been a strong push for the switch to driverless cars. As one board member noted, “No drivers, no lawsuits, no problem.”

The new driverless car technologies were originally to be revealed at Uber’s Innovation Summit, however, in light of the recent events, Uber may try to put driverless cars out on the streets even earlier than anticipated.

With financial resources falling, Uber has also looked to solve it’s economic woes with an IPO, initial public offering, in order to officially make Uber a publicly traded company. However, with company profits decreasing, many board members fear that going public may negatively impact the value of their company.

OIC considers removing Syria after alleged incident involving nuclear weapons

By Ryann Perlstein

Members of the Organization of Islamic Cooperation debated removing Syria from the OIC on Saturday after a BBC report that claimed the Assad regime used chemical weapons.

Syria has said that their main goal is to fight terrorism, however they continue to say that they handed all chemical weapons over to the United Nations a long time ago, according to their representative.

Most nations in the OIC agree that the Assad government forces must go. Some, for example Kazakhstan, worry that but some worry that there will be a potential backlash from Syria. Others feel like Syria needs to be focused on internal issues, so the OIC should refrain from expelling them. Saudi Arabia believes that the Assad regime must go, agreeing with Qatar, Egypt, and others.

While the majority agree with Indonesia does not want to support the rebels’ replacement of the Assad regime, while Burkina Faso is completely neutral to this issue since they are a smaller, less significant nation. Additionally, while Algeria condemns the use of chemical weapons, they believe the OIC should continue supporting the Assad regime until a democratically elected party can take over. A representative from Iran also said that trusting a British news source before a thorough investigation would be risky, presumably indicating that they will not have a clear outlook on the issue until an investigation has occurred.

The main focus of the meeting was whether or not the OIC should continue to consider Syria a member, however Niger made a suggestion for how to improve the lives of the victims of the Syrian civil war. Niger proposed a “traffic light system” that could be used to label victims, red being for severely injured victims, yellow for mildly injured ones, and green for those who are not injured at all.

Zhou Enlai to be executed in Liu Shaoqi’s Politburo

By Tenzin Choezin

Zhou Enlai was found guilty of treason for revolting against the Communist Party during trial in front of Liu Shaoqi’s Politburo, 1962 in China. A civil war between two factions within Liu Shaoqi’s Politburo broke out with one group of traitors from the politburo led by Zhou Enlai and the other being the Communist Party. The civil war caused many casualties and collateral damage before ultimately Zhou Enlai’s faction was defeated and brought to trial in front of the entire politburo.

Zhou Enlai, former Premier of the People’s Republic of China, opened his trial with the statement that punishing him and the rest of the traitors within his politburo would create division and “turn the politburo against itself.” He called for a time of “truth and reconciliation” and placing focus on China’s deepest needs instead of placing the traitors on trial and destroying the unification of the politburo. He also stated that punishing the guilty will turn them bitter and the traitors who are not executed will remain bitter and vote against directives regardless of their actual opinions. Despite acknowledging his guiltiness, he pleads to the politburo to “move forward and acquit all of [the traitors].”

In Zhou’s defense, Chun Yun argued that the entirety of the politburo recognizes the amazing diplomat that Zhou is and he plays a critical piece in the alliance with Soviet Russia. He went on to argue the weakness the politburo would display with half of its members on trial. To purge almost half of the politburo, it would make the committee look weak and powerless to the rest of the world and this would decrease the influence a communist China can hold in international relations.

Dong Biwu spoke against Zhou Enlai emphasizing the atrocities committed by Zhou amidst the civil war. One example of such atrocity was the bombing of Tiananmen Square that resulted in the killing of about 600 innocent civilians. Keeping that in mind, Biwu also stated that despite Chun Yun’s proclamation that Soviet Russia holds strong ties with Zhou, the USSR still aided the communist party throughout the civil war instead of Zhou’s faction.

With these three statements, the committee then proceeded to a vote to decide Zhou Enlai’s fate. The politburo found itself having 10 votes in the favor of Zhou’s guiltiness, 8 votes in favor of Zhou’s innocence and 1 abstaining vote. With this decision Zhou Enlai is found to have committed treason and will be executed promptly.

Uber driven into crisis

By Conor McConville

In a recent investigation, INTERPOL discovered a possible connection between UBER and the DEA, a terrorist organization operating in countries such as Colombia, India and Pakistan. It is believed that one of UBER’s board members is closely working with the DEA and helping fund their terrorist activities. INTERPOL’s discovery of UBER’s connection with the DEA, has forced to halt all UBER operations in countries in which the DEA operates, primarily India and Colombia. Investigations regarding which UBER board member is behind this scandal are underway, but have not yet uncovered anything. Both costumers of UBER and UBER investors are enraged by their involvement with the DEA. John Gurly, one of UBER’s top investors said, “We are going to pull out of UBER. It’s a lost cause”.

UBER board members are emphasizing that their association with the DEA is not the action of the company as a whole, but rather the action of one board member. UBER plans to launch full background checks on all high-level officials, in order to prevent future involvement in illegal activity. Some board members have even discussed deploying surveillance drones to discover the security threat that the DEA presents. One UBER Board Member said, “We need to investigate this [issue] more thoroughly to find this traitor.” It is anticipated that the federal government will launch investigations of UBER board members in order to determine whether or not UBER is involved with more criminal activity. UBER board members Ariana Huffington and Mike Dorsey have proposed that UBER share company information with the federal government
in order to catalyze government investigations.

UBER plans to install future security protocols such as performing background checks on drivers to ensure the safety of UBER customers and implementing cars that only take E-payment, so that the company can have payment records to catch suspicious activity.
In an attempt to shift public focus on their involvement with the DEA, they have announced the planning of an Innovation Summit in which the will unveil progress on new technologies such as driverless cars and more efficient pay systems. However, world-renowned rapper JAY-Z has announced the release of a new “dis-track” which will be dropping in the next few days and has lots of support from disgruntled customers. UBER Board Member David Drummond, seemingly
unfazed by the matter, said, “I’m more of a Lil Yachty guy anyway.”